Learning what it's all about...

Some of you reading this know me personally, and some of you *think* you know me via what you saw on TV. Let me say this about this blog: This is a place for growth- both for myself and my readers, and there will be no room for negativity. This is my personal story and journal of exploration and growth- NOT a pedestal or a declaration of perfection. So why blog at all you ask? I know by opening up my experiences to the world, most people take that as an invitation to give me their input and opinion. Really, I'm not looking for advice, or opinions or a "shoulder to cry on". More than anything, this is a place for me to figure MYSELF out. 

I know all the basic concepts of living well, and some of the more advanced ones. I've been a certified personal trainer since September of 2007, and from the get-go, faced a fair amount of criticism regarding my OWN weight not being that of a typical fitness fanatic. At my lightest, I was 185 lbs and that was BONE dry and in my opinion, a very unhealthy state. 

I thought Biggest Loser would be my magic answer, and would laugh it off when I had people tell me otherwise. The show offered me quite a few opportunities, but I never allowed myself to learn what I am now just starting to comprehend and what I have taught several of my clients, but have never embodied myself: Life does not start 20, 30, 100 lbs from now- it's precious and fragile and beautiful, but if you abuse your body and your soul, you will suffer the consequences.

Honestly, I went on TV as a 21 year old that wanted to be hot. I just wanted to know that feeling once in my life. The truth is, I never got it. Even at the finale of our season, in a size 10, $3,000 dress, I felt like the fat girl- and I was among my fellow finalists who (as women) weighed in no higher than 150 lbs, and with the men weighing in at numbers close to mine. The moment that I had killed myself for for 8 months left me feeling less accomplished than any other time in my entire life. It was no fault but my own- I expected that when I reached a certain weight, I would have "the perfect body". I didn't realize that no, I will never have Jessica Simpson's legs or Jenny McCarthy's abs... I will still have MY legs and MY abs- they'll just be smaller. I thought the 20 lbs of skin was unfair when so few people seemed to suffer the same kind of fate.

After the show, I went into "fuck you" mode. Yeah- I worked out, and would eat a LOT less than before the show, but everything I was deprived of during the show, I "splurged" on. You see, I never attained MY ultimate goal of feeling like this hot and NORMAL woman, so for me, there was nothing really to lose. I had never BEEN someone that cared how far they could run, or how many hours they spent in a gym, so the fact that I could run 7 miles and workout for 5 hours at a time was no achievement in my eyes- If anything, it was punishment that I couldn't wait to escape.

So, now, here I am, almost a year later. I've trained and taught over 40 people in 20+ states through my fitcamps, online training programs, and one-on-one training the ONE thing I have yet to master: Eating well, exercising, caring about your body, is not to be done for vanity- It's about balance. And the more balance you have in your life, the easier these things will be. 

I went right from the stress of the show to coming home and building my own business. Once that took off, I also accepted a marketing job. At some points, I have been doing 4 different jobs at once, totaling over 60+ hours a week. Instead of taking care of myself, I've invested my time and energy into taking care of others. I'm not using this an excuse or as a crutch, but rather as an admission of guilt- I am Isabeau, and I put myself last.

Right now is not the perfect time to be trying to turn this around. My fiance is searching desperately for a job, my fitcamps are over for the summer, and I'm not entirely sure (besides some of my one-on-one clients) what's next for me. But I know that right now I am AWARE that my own wellness- not just physically, but mentally- has not been getting taken care of. And that's a good place to be. It's when you start not caring that you're going downhill that there is a bigger problem. Yep- it may be entirely inconvenient, unaffordable, ridiculous for me to take time to finally teach myself the RIGHT way to be healthy, but it's the only time I know for certain I have- I think when we start counting on our tomorrows, we put ourselves in a high-risk position for never truly doing anything. I don't want to live like that.

Before I go any further, I can almost hear some of the voices in my head of nay-sayers or "I-told-you-so-ers". THIS my friends, is not about weight. In fact, I will keep track of my measurements, but I don't give a crap what the scale says, and I dont plan on sharing any of my "statistics" with you. For 8 months of my life, I was on public display every week. I shared with America the only secret I've ever kept in my life: my weight. This blog is not to share weight loss with you, but to show you that no matter how impossible the circumstances, little changes can be made everyday to become BETTER. THAT'S what this is about- becoming BETTER, well rounded, socially conscious, physically conscious, nutritionally conscious. It's about awareness, not perfection.

There are several reasons I'm choosing to make a change in my life, but this time none of them have to do with vanity. I honestly don't care who tells me I'm pretty, or hot or whatever- I got some of that during the show and I never even believed it. To me, I am most beautiful when I am living to my potential, and my opinion of MYSELF is the only one I truly care about. I am doing this to not be afraid of success OR failure, to not feel the need to prove anything to anyone, and to finally learn how to be comfortable in my own skin, which I don't know that I ever truly have. If I lose a few pounds on the way, awesome! But this is about my well being. It's about learning and tapping into things I let slide on a day-to-day basis like reading books, or having dinner at the table instead of the tv. It's about taking a half an hour to soak in the tub and listen to music, light some candles, talk to my fiance or pray and be grateful. 

It's amazing to me when I think of where typical priorities lie- and I include myself in the "typical". My day is measured by how much I accomplish, how much money I make and how quickly I can get everything done that I need to do. It's not at all measured by how GOOD of a job I did, or how well I listened to my body, or the beautiful organic meal I made from scratch. I think in general, our society is so driven by results that we assume the little things will be attended to after we've taken care of the big things. But I've come to learn that it NEEDS to be the exact opposite-

All my "little things" are out of whack. Even blogging for example- I love blogging, writing- ANYTHING! Music, half-written novels, memoirs, literally anything. I love reading and never regret it when I do. I actually enjoy being outside and on my bike or walking my dogs. I love spending 2 hours making a beautiful nutritious meal and then sitting across from my fiance as we both enjoy it. I love listening to jazz and classical music and imagining I'm in some European country three hundred years ago. But, if I have a job to do, or a meeting to attend or a person to call, or an errand to run- I let all those things that make me ME just fall apart. And when all the little parts that make me up fall by the wayside, all the big things slowly crumble as well. I'm not as motivated because I'm drained by giving to others and not giving to myself. I'm not as energized because I haven't put the proper fuel in my body, or haven't worked it to its capacity. I'm not as fulfilled because instead of feeding my mind and soul with literature, art, music and beauty, I'm on sensory overload responding to emails, taking phone calls, shuffling guests in and out of my life, attending functions, etc. 

See? I feel like already in this blog Ive learned more about myself and feel more firm in the reasons why this is exactly the right thing to do right now. I think I'm going to set some guidelines for myself as well... So, here are MY rules. Feel free to make up your own:

1. Everyday I must do something good for my body, such as go to the gym, eat within a designated number of calories, follow certain nutrition guidelines (i.e. gluten-free, low carb, low sodium, etc). The "body" chores I will make a serious effort to do EVERY day, as I believe though our bodies are just our temporary "holders", we do need to treat them right in order to feel like ourselves.
2. Everyday I must do something good for my mind. This can be a little more broad and can include playing scrabble, reading a book, writing a blog (which I plan to do anyway), or learning a new recipe, etc.
3. Everyday I must do something good for my soul. This can include calling a family member I haven't spoken to in a while, doing something good for a stranger, taking a bath, meditating, gardening, whatever puts me at ease and at peace.
4. Everyday I must do something to nurture the relationships in my life. This can include physical intimacy (which I WON'T blog about!), going on a date, calling a friend on their birthday (or for no reason at all), etc.
5. Everyday I MUST do something to bring organization to my life. I am not a naturally organized person. There are certain peeves I have now that I have a house than I own, but in general, NO ONE would call me a neat freak, nor would I want to become one. There are certain things in my surroundings though that SHOULD be more organized and always turn into the "Oh, I'll get around to it" projects- like cleaning out the garage, or working on organizing my closet or desk. I am not, however, planning on committing more than 45 minutes a day to projects like this, as they really drain me while I'm doing them, but I always appreciate when they're done.
6. Every WEEK I am going to do something to pamper myself. Yeah, this is only a 2-week thing, but my hope is that it will continue past that, and if I have to sacrifice a month of real life to take care of me, I will. But the first week, I know that I am getting my hair done, which I haven't in almost 2 months now. The second week I'll probably go for a long overdue pedicure. Even if it's not a "big deal", I do think it's necessary. 
7. I really want to make every effort to start eating meals at our table, instead of in the living room. Since planning our wedding, Jon and I have obviously been talking about kids (not for a couple years, but we talk about it of course). And one thing I am 100% firm on is always having family meals together at the table. I've always believed this tradition will come when the kids do too, but I feel like, "how is introducing a child into this world going to change MY bad habits?". I feel like if we dont make it a habit NOW, we'll have little to no reason to do so when a baby is involved as well.
8. I need to get out! Or have people in! One of my biggest flaws when I get on wellness kicks, is that my social life goes out the window, making my goals completely unattainable, because, really, who wants to be caged in their house eating sprouts all day? Even if it's going to a movie, or grabbing a Sunday morning coffee, I'm a gemini, so social situations are super important to my overall well being.

Anyway, thanks to all of you that will be sharing in this journey with me. It's neverending, and I'm planning on continuing this process for the rest of my life. This time it's not about perfection, it's not about a scale, it's not about making myself into Cameron Diaz or Reese Witherspoon or Jennifer Aniston- it's about making Isabeau! And I'm SO excited to get to know her again :)